Ear Hair

Freddy Zalta
3 min readDec 27, 2021

When I was younger, so much younger than today… I was arrogant, so full of judgment and self importance. I would be disgusted by what seemed to me to be a human giving in to aging and laziness.
One thing that always grossed me out was the sight of ear hair.

I would say to myself, “shit, shave that Afro growing on your ear.” I would be incensed at the sight. My ear was always very cute — one girlfriend used to love to kiss it. So when I would notice an ear beard — I would lose respect for that person.

To me it always conveyed a sense of “slobitude” (Yes I think I coined that phrase). It just looked like a half-untucked shirt, an untied shoe or an unbrushed head of hair.
Take care of your looks man!

Then…I turned 40.
My hairline began to recede, my stomach to protrude and my eyesight to blur. One day as I was putting on my contact lenses, I saw something on my ear.
I ignored it.
The next day I was speaking with my son when he said, in his usual loving and sensitive way, “Dad you have an Afro growing on your ear!”

I laughed him off. “OK, funny.” Then I ran to the bathroom, I took a selfie of my ear and I saw that bushel of hair.
My cute ear was now a man. If my wife kissed it she could probably floss with it. No wonder she never looks at me.
What the hell?
I took off my clothing; I weighed myself, “oh my God.” I stepped off the scale as if it was hot coal.
I looked at my hair — it had receded too far back to even call it recede — it had surrendered.
So here I was, losing hair on my head, gaining weight all around and as an extra gift I had a mountain of hair coming out of my ear.
What happened, how did I not notice?
I think it was me looking at my reflection and seeing what I wanted to see; denial to the point of delusion. Despite the reflection in the mirror; I would see myself as a younger man, thin, full head of hair and two cute ear lobes.
Now I was looking at myself in the moment (not such a good idea).
I then noticed my nose hair…
“What happened to me!” I yelled out loud.
I had more hair growing out of my ears and nose than I had on my head.
I was disgusted but over time I conceded to that reflection and bought an ear and nose trimmer — which looked like vibrator, so each time we had a day worker she would place in in my wife’s top draw.
I was now shaving in three different spots, unable to see my feet and realizing that karma is a bitch; a hairy eared bitch.

Originally published at http://freddythedaddy.com on December 27, 2021.

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